Spectre is #1 on the DVD sales chart this week…
I saw it way back in November, of course, the very first night it opened in US theatres, but my skepticism and dread were such before I saw it, and my reaction so complicated afterwards, the whole thing left me too exhausted for an actual “review”.
The same had been true for Skyfall – though I finally howled my disgust here.
Unlike that film, so inexplicably adored by critics and audiences alike, Spectre at least felt like a step in the right direction. Meaning it was recognizable to me as a Bond film. The character was his old proactive self, chasing a mystery, not just reacting. M, Q and Moneypenny were used wisely. The action, if underwhelming, had that sexy sheen that used to be trademark 007. The Bond girl was smoking hot, sharp as a tack, and utterly believable (more on her later). Gadgets made a minor but welcome comeback. And at long last the gunbarrel was back in its rightful place at the beginning – a small thing, yes, but kind of symbolic of a series gone astray.
Even Daniel Craig managed to loosen up a little – or as much as he can evidently – and played someone resembling our suave agent of yore.
All of this was encouraging to me…if I can damn it with such faint praise.
The popcorn fun of the series wasn’t dead after all.
But most people felt exactly the opposite – that it fumbled the ball after the “perfect” Skyfall.
Despite earning $860 million worldwide, it’s widely perceived as a disappointment.
And having now re-watched it on Blu-ray, there’s no doubt that the script ultimately feels generic, lazy, empty. Like a big beautifully gift-wrapped box of nothing special. A very rough first draft, stuck in the past and afraid to make bold choices or move the series forward.
The problem, though, is NOT the return of the more familiar Bond elements…
It’s actually the ‘spectre’ of Skyfall that is the real culprit – as it is paralyzed by, tries to replicate, and takes all the wrong lessons away from that film’s success.
(Just as was done, I might add, from the “failure” of Quantum Of Solace – which, despite a frenetic editing job, is still the most consistently exciting film in Craig’s tenure)
And what a shame it is they couldn’t deliver a killer standalone Bond adventure to bide fans over, because not since Licence To Kill and the subsequent six-year gap between films has there been a bigger crossroads for the series. Or more questions left up in the air…
Will Craig return after his comments about how he’d rather “slash his wrists” than do another installment? Has his surly attitude rankled the Broccoli family at last? He’s getting older and by the time he makes himself available again (he just booked a TV series), will it be too late? The Bond producers’ deal with Sony has expired as well, leaving them shopping for a distributor – could a new company request a completely fresh slate and more creative control? Could it be that Barbara Broccoli and Michael Wilson are ready to let go of the reins for a healthy payout?
Maybe they finally grasp their stunning ineptitude as producers, and give up?
I have no idea.
But as always, I do have plenty of unsolicited advice for them…
I’ll keep it short and sweet. These are the CORRECT lessons to glean from Spectre:
1) UHM, KEEP IT SHORT AND SWEET
Bond movies are not supposed to be two and a half hour epics that wear audiences down with some misguided attempt at gravitas. It’s not fucking Lawrence Of Arabia, it’s a spy film. It should be nimble on its feet. It should be so stuffed with entertainment it seems to pass in the blink of an eye. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, the longest run-time before Spectre, pulled it off because it was so damn good – but more often you just get bloated and lethargic.
2) IT’S AN ACTION SERIES, REMEMBER?
Something happened along the way where Bond movies gave up on trying to be cutting-edge slam-bang action extravaganzas and settled for ponderous melodrama. Get back to the basics. Forget the prestige directors better known for Broadway (cough) and hire an action guy or gal who knows how to get the audience’s pulse pounding again. Then hire a stunt coordinator with an imagination! Sit down and watch the Mission Impossible or Fast & Furious films to remember everything you’ve forgotten about the art of the extended chase sequence. It’s about adrenaline, stupid.
3) SAME GOES FOR GADGETS
Craig’s belief that you can’t do cool gadgets anymore in this high-tech age is just as tone-deaf as his ear for a witty one-liner. Again, the MI and F&F series use them to great effect and increasingly make Bond, the originator of it all, look like an Amish farmer. The last MI film had so many slick inventions that were used so matter-of-factly, from a magazine-turned-laptop computer to cars that unlock with a palm print, and much much more. The future is here, get with it! Which brings me to…
4) MOVE ON ALREADY!
No more obsessive nostalgia for the old Bond movies, no more retro-styled Birth-Of-Bond backstory bullshit! Just get on with it! Nobody wants to see a pastiche of all the things we loved about the movies pre-Craig, just give us a BRAND NEW ADVENTURE that takes Bond into fresh territory and lets him kick some ass. Enough moping, enough tortured psychology and foster-brothers. Give us some new memories or stay home. All the pretty sepia and shadowy noir pretentiousness could not hide the stagnant feel of Spectre, which essentially kept Bond mired in the 1960’s.
5) LET BOND BE THE COOLEST GUY IN THE ROOM AGAIN
I never went to a Bond film to see a tragic hero who makes mistakes and struggles his way through. No. I go to see the smart super-agent who always manages to turn a dangerous situation around and come out on top, usually by doing something so amazing it makes my jaw drop. That’s the idea. It’s not about him punching or shooting his way out Every. Single. Time. Craig’s Bond has been on an unrelenting diet of brute strength, with no clever outlandish Wow-factor stunts. BORING.
6) NO MORE SAPPY BALLADS
Adele pulled it off – JUST. But Sam Smith’s song is positively soporific, practically inert. How can you charge an audience up for, I reiterate, an EXCITING ACTION FILM, if you insist on starting out with a dirge? What is this need to recapture some old-fashioned pseudo-Shirley Bassey sound? Live And Let Die, A View To A Kill, even You Know My Name (Casino Royale) worked because they broke with the past and got Bond rocking, made him young again.
7) BRING BACK LEA SEYDOUX
It sounds funny I know, especially if Daniel Craig is not returning. But the single best thing about Spectre was this sly sexy Bond Girl who could just as easily be (a female) Bond herself. Even in a rote underwritten role, she delivered in every way possible. From the pure aesthetic pleasure of her slinking down the aisle of the dining car in THAT DRESS, to her cavalierly breaking down a Glock, to the way she sold the words “I love you” and made them believable. She’s pure French dynamite, custom made for the world of 007. If they could bring back Maud Adams in Octopussy, then why not?
And while you’re at it, please resurrect Gemma Arterton from her oily death in QOS and recast her in the role of Moneypenny, with all her cockney charm and cello curves. She would be believable in any action sequence she stumbled into and has the mouth to keep Bond on his toes. Naomi Harris doesn’t have the wit for the role.
8) GIVE THE VILLAINS SOMETHING TO DO
An actual plot? What a novel idea! Richard Maibaum said the secret to a successful Bond film was coming up with the Baddie’s criminal plan. It’s what gives each new film its personality, a twist on the template. The last few movies have been nothing but personal revenge, soap opera twists, and a surveillance subplot that felt ten years late. Get a writer who knows how to weave a genuinely intriguing story that feels current but also larger-than-life. Saving the world never goes out of style.
9) HAVE FUN
One does not need to return to campy Austin Powers-type tropes to have fun with Bond again. Look not only at the MI movies, but at the simple kinetic joys of The Man From UNCLE, Kingsman, Spy, etc. All the films that are busy building on the Bond mythology, playing with it, while the official Bond franchise seems to be running from its own legend; trying to out-grit, out-scowl the Bourne franchise (which, ironically, is STILL more fun and exhilarating than recent Bonds – as evidenced by a mere 30 second teaser for the new film). There are tons of creative people who would kill to give their own fresh take on James Bond and would have a lot of fun doing it.
And finally…
10) HIRE AN ACTOR WHO WANTS THE JOB!
Even Craig’s diehard fans have to admit he has never seemed comfortable with the fame attached to the job. From the start, he was adamant to prove he was a “real actor” who didn’t want to be typecast and who took on the iconic role with great reservations. Nevermind the fact he’s been spectacularly unsuccessful in any non-Bond film and has shown absolutely no emotional range. In his mind, if nowhere else, he is Brando Olivier. So while he’s been raking in the millions and god knows how many endorsement deals, he’s been getting angrier and angrier – which led to the PR tantrum he threw just before Spectre opened. I think it’s time we give him his privacy back. And whoever you hire next, I hope he’s someone who is excited and honored to play Bond, to carry on the tradition and to please the fans. Maybe he will even dare to smile once in a while.
So there you go… Just common sense advice, if you ask me. Even if nobody did.
I do think the Craig era is coming to an end…
And not a minute too soon.
–RR
