 |
| Albert Finney Can’t Believe It Either |
If you happen to read my piece on the recent updating of Carrie, you know my disgust at the epidemic of pointless remakes that continues to plague Hollywood…
But even as jaded as I’ve become, I was still surprised how angry I felt when I heard Ridley Scott plans to remake the 1974 classic Murder On The Orient Express.
This is just a whole new level of stupid.
Granted, it’s very early days. I’m hoping some executive comes to his senses and nixes it down the line. I’ve already had to endure bad remakes of The Thing, The Bad News Bears, The Heartbreak Kid, The Taking Of Pelham 1-2-3, on and on. But even those examples make more sense than this idea. This is wihout a doubt the worst candidate for “re-imagining” I’ve ever heard.
Let’s start with the teeny tiny little matter of the original film being ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.
You might think this is a subjective opinion on my part. It’s not.
It can’t be done any better. Period, end of story.
The late great Sidney Lumet simply created one of the lushest, most decadently enjoyable entertainments ever made. He directed an incredible all-star cast (Albert Finney, Sean Connery, Lauren Bacall, Ingrid Bergman, etc) in the ideal realization of Agatha Christie’s most ingenious mystery. What else could you want? It’s a big fat slice of old-fashion escapism. A comfort movie of pure class. And because it was such a highly-stylized throwback (and anomaly) in gritty 1974, the film has never dated. It’s as creepy, smart, funny, exhilarating, and ultimately, moving, as it was the day it was released.
(Which, as I remember, was Christmas. I have a very vivid memory of going to see it on an appropriately snowy Christmas Day with my family…shuffling into the warmth of Denver’s huge old Century-21 theatre – long gone today, of course – fully packed elbow to elbow with people…and two hours later, wallking out with that feeling only a real “movie-movie” can give you)
Let’s also ignore the fact that it was ALREADY remade for television – TWICE.
Hell, there’s even been a video game.
No, let’s just skip to the really really stupid part. Why in the world would you remake a “whodunnit” where the answer to that question and the twist solution to the mystery is A) Everything, B) Extremely Famous, and C) Instantly ‘spoiled’ by pressing a button on YouTube? What’s the point??
%252Bby%252BRichard%252BAmsel.jpg) |
| More Brilliant Art By Amsel |
As always, it seems to be only the name they want. A Baby Gap version with an entire cast is in their early 20’s? Updated to a modern-day setting even if it makes no sense? With whiplash editing, EFX and music stings? Maybe a climactic chase on top of the train? Or a CG avalanche? If it’s not a shot-for-shot Psycho thing, then all they can do to justify it’s existence is tart it up and change it for change’s sake.
(I direct you to the god-awful Sleuth remake by Kenneth Branagh)
Eventually they won’t be able to resist changing even that iconic ending to something, uh, “better”.
…As the name gets shortened to “Murder Express!”.
Hollywood is beyond shameless now.
They have become a jonesing heroin addict in a skid row doorway willing to drink cough syrup if they have to…just to get a faint echo of a past thrill.
Or maybe I’m being too kind.
 |
| “Can you fucking believe it?” “I cannot, Sir” |
–RR